Tale of Suckage, a Mario Death Story
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Because you vile lumps of suck are terrible at video games, I now present to you: Every possible way Mario can die, the fanfic!
1. Mario Takes His Sweet Ass Time

Tale of Suckage, a Mario Death Story

by Mario Always Dies

 **Summary:** Because you vile lumps of suck are terrible at video games, I now present to you: Every possible way Mario can die, the fanfic!

Mario Takes His Sweet Ass Time

In ye olde days, back before the fucking hills developed large, judgmental eyes to watch you turds masturbate, Mario was taking his sweet, 8-bit ass time strolling through the Mushroom Kingdom like he do.

"Hit'a the blocks? Why'a the fuck not? Gli spaghetti!" he cried, destroying every block that was once a person. That's right. The Mushroom Kingdom citizens King Koopa turned into blocks and bricks, because people suck and no one likes them, including Koopas (especially Koopas! Fucking asshole Toads playing Toadball with their shells scrambled their already feeble brains!) Apparently Mario hated people, too, because he was harvesting them for prizes! And prizes he got! He celebrated how awesome he was by eating a red mushroom he found in a glowing block with a question mark on it. Kids should always trust those.

It was totally worth it, too, because he grew into a FUCKING GIANT and took his big, meaty muscles and beat the shit out of every brick and glowing box he found. Why? Because he fucking felt like it, that's why! Then he squashed Goombas like insignificant bugs for extra points. He didn't have anywhere else to fucking be, so why the hell not? That timer at the top right corner of his life had no business telling motherfucking MARIO how to live his life!

He had everything a guy could possibly want in this world. He was devilishly handsome, had access to as much money as he fucking needed since it was conveniently floating around everywhere, all the princesses wanted him, and he didn't even have to help fucking grease ball douchebags unclog their rancid fucking toilets anymore. You know why? Because he kidnapped some stupid monkey's barrel-throwing dad once and got famous for it, or some shit. Anyway, gone were the days he picked condom jizz, squishy tampon, and straight up doo-doo out of his glorious mustache. He was a changed man. "Wee-hee!" said he with glee-hee. "Fuck'a goombas! Fuck'a monkeys! Fuck'a King'a Koopa! It's'a motherfuckin' Mario time!"

But then the background music that followed him around on all of his journeys started to speed up, and he could feel his heart race, his sweat roll down his brow, and his bowels quiver all of a sudden. Whatever the fuck was going on, he needed to get the hell moving. He ran and he ran, hitting the occasional brick as he ran, and was shrunk by an asshole goomba along the way. He got his revenge and stomped the little shit, though. The satisfying crunch of its bones would have been nice, but since this was the 8-bit era, Mario was not afforded such luxuries as gratuitous gore and violence.

He could see the coveted flag along the horizon, but the counter at the top right of his early existence read 0:04. "Oh, a-NO!" said Mario, running like he'd never run in his life, only to die mid-jump toward his life-saving flag. Gone was he, because you weren't fast enough. Fuck you!


	2. Pounded in the Butt by My Own Red Shell

Pounded in the Butt by My Own Red Shell Attack

Luckily Mario had some extra lives to spare, and knew better than to waste his fucking time now! He and his dangly 8-bits booked it through the Mushroom Kingdom this time, stopping for no more than a star to kill those crappy n00by Goombas. He got to the flag this time, and six fantastic fireworks went off in his honor.

"Holy'a fuck am I'a great!" said the Mario. "And'a my dick is'a so large and'a flavorful, like'a sweet Italian sausage."

He slid himself deep into a pipe, which is not a euphemism for sex, so get your minds out of the fucking gutter, you miserable wastes of meat!

Anyway, since my man Mario don't fuck around, he got through that fucking fuck of a fucking next stage with no fucking problem, and didn't even take any shortcuts because he wasn't a danged pussyfart like the rest of you. He didn't even bother to grab a mushroom for the road. That's how hardcore he is.

"I will'a kick'a King Koopa's'a stank ass in'a no time. I will'a even make it'a home in time'a for Mama Mia's spaghetti!"

"No," said a red-shelled Koopa, who was getting in the fucking way of Mario and his exit from this world. No one comes between Mario and spaghetti and lives to tell about it. "Not while I'm getting pounded in the butt by my own red shell. Join me, sexy plumber, and together we shall cum buckets."

"You will'a never Chuck'a Tingle me, red Koopa! Face'a my wrath in the name of'a Mama Miyamoto! WAHOO!"

Mario leaped mightily onto the red Koopa, who ducked into his ass pounding shell before he could be murdered brutally. Mario then kicked the Koopa, who then spun into a wall; however, because Mario didn't jump AND neglected to eat a mushroom like a fucking dumbass, red Koopa bounced back and barreled through Mario like a fucking bowling ball, killing him on contact. And that's the story of how Mario got pounded in the butt by his own red shell, in a non-sexual way.

In lieu of this horrible tragedy you must ask yourselves, "WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THAT FUCKING COCKASS JUMP BUTTON WORK? I FUCKING PRESSED IT! WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE GODDAMN FUCKING FUCK! THE GAME CHEATED! IT'S BROKEN! IT GLITCHED! WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE I PAID FOR THIS! WITH REAL MONEY! EVEN THOUGH IT WAS MY MOM WHO PAID FOR IT BECAUSE I'VE BEEN LIVING OFF HOTPOCKETS AND DIET PEPSI IN HER BASEMENT FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS! I HAVEN'T SHOWERED IN MONTHS!" And then u broke ur controler in haf n crai'd liek a bab haha.


	3. The Hole that Fucks Back

The Hole that Fucks Back

Mario's dank journey continues today. Or it would, if he didn't encounter a jump so impossibly hard for scrubs like you that, instead of landing on his own two feet on the other side, he fell into Nietzsche's abyss instead. You know, that abyss that fucking stares back at you and makes you really uncomfortable as it wins every staring contest.

As is typical with 8-bit platformers, you assume that the nondescript abyss our hero falls into eventually leads to a bottom, where our hero inevitably goes SPLAT. You assume this because you are a fucking idiot who doesn't know shit.

What really happens is that Mario never stops falling. He can't. There is no bottom. All that surrounds Mario is that highly saturated sky blue color that represents the sky above the abyss. Once in the abyss, though, this is the only color Mario can see in any direction forever. It exhausts the rods and cones in his eyes to the point where tears start spilling out, and eventually his eyeballs explode and he goes blind.

But wait, there's MORE! The last exciting thing that will happen in his life is reaching terminal velocity, which he'll miss because he'll still be too busy screaming in agony by the time he gets there. Once his vocal chords are irrevocably fried from all the screaming, the slow and painful spiral toward his death begins as he starves and dehydrates. Then his corpse will be in free fall for all eternity, among all the other Marios who died before him, decomposing around infinitely many dead Marios and a few dead Luigis, and gradually falling to pieces.

His last words before he dies are always the same. "Che palle! Git'a gud you'a fucking SCRUBS! UWA!"


	4. Game Over

Game Over

Mario stepped into Bowser's castle at long last, having lost all of his spare lives on poor life choices. Poor life choices that could have been prevented if an actual skilled gamer were in control here. All Mario has is you, though, and if you fuck this up, he can never come back.

"So don't'a fuck this up. Per piacere!" said Mario, desperate to get through this level unscathed.

He had his mushroom. He had his fire flower. He dodged every fireball, none of which so much as licked the fibers of his overalls. Then he finally reached the fiery end of the dungeon, where his mortal enemy, King Koopa, stood like he owned the fucking place.

"I do own this fucking place!" King Koopa roared to the narrator of this harrowing tale of woe. "Who the fuck do you think you are? You barge into my castle, get muddy little footprints all over the place, and then get all indignant when I spit fire at you? How would you like it if I broke into your kingdom and fucked all of your shit up?"

"I didn't'a fuckin' say anything," said Mario. He was fed up with King Koopa's problems. He was fed up with everyone's problems. People were always crawling up his ass, making demands of him. Go right, they said. Jump, they said. Your princess is in another castle, they said. Well, he wasn't going to fucking take it anymore. In a giant leap, he aimed for the switch that would drop the draw bridge and plunge King Koopa into a bath of lava for good this time. However, the game's AI jumped at that exact height, and torched the heroic plumber once and for all.

That was your last life. You failed. Go cry about it. Until next time!


End file.
